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danseurs:

(4/52) (by u▽ןǝǝʞ)

It may not look like it, but i just finished crying.

I was already good yesterday, couple of days ago. But when i saw those notes she put on his car, i felt the anger and the pain again. I can’t believe it. I knew it. I know i don;t have any more rights to be complaining, or even talk about it. But i am just someone who went and love someone so much. And i can’t just push myself into moving on, because it will take sometime. The only good thing about it is, i dont feel as if i couldnt breathe like i did the first time. That feeling when you cant breathe, you cant sleep, you can’t eat, you can’t stop crying, you can’t stop but feeling the pain. I hate to say this, but i am hearthbroken. Still. I don’t want it to be that way, and i can’t run away from the fact that i’m the one crying, im the one left hangin’. I have to face the fact that i was hurt by someone i love. YES! LOVE, i still love him, and prolly won’t stop until i get the chance to be happy with someone else. The word loved never really occured to me. Not just yet i know. But I can’t help myself, I know he’s moved on, and im ashame I havent. I hate telling myself that he’s already happy with someone new, but i can’t help myself from crying. I broke down today, after that saturday accident and that monday crap, the longest i’ve ever been not crying was 3 days. I hate admitting that i’m miserable, while he’s laughing. I hate knowing that he’s happy while im crying. I hate showing that i’m okay cause i’m not. I hate this feeling cause i’m the one to blame. But I have to let him go, i have to let him be happy even if it kills me. I have to write this so I can stop being in pain, because i’m tired of telling my friends about how i feel and feel good about it for just an hour and then go back to the way i was.I’m tired of telling them the same thing over and over again, i feel like theyre tired of hearing about it. I can’t seem to stop crying. Because even if i go out of my way to hear happy songs, i always go and find them heartbroken songs, they always calm me down. And i know its not healthy for me to hear them sad songs, I can’t help myself. Those songs that i used to think are our songs, I can’t even listen to them. Because they hurt me more than them stupid heartbroken songs. No matter what i do, I cant seem to get rid of the stuff that came from him, I can’t seem to feel mad at him even with all the stuff that he said to me. I don’t get why, because each and everyday I’m not with him, i should be loving him less and less. But i’m not. I still love him. And I dont feel like I can even stop. But im tired. I’m so tired. I’m so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so tired of crying, i’m so tired of wiping my own tears. I’ve prolly had shed millions of tears already, and it sucks because I know he’s just smiling and laughing and flirting right now. I really really hate this, I hate this feeling. That no matter what I do, he’s always on my mind. No matter how happy i get, i always think of those times when we used to be together. Those times when i used to call him mine. I’m really really tired of crying, but i really can’t stop. I’ve told myself, U have to move on hun, U can’t be doing this to urself, but how ? I can’t seem to stop myself. I cant let myself believe that i lost him. In my heart he’s still mine, but i know in my head that he’s gone. And im tired. I am so tired. I’m so tired of getting hurt. I just wanna tell him how much i love him. How much i want him in my life. But there isnt anymore chance. I wanted to take care of him, but he;s gone. Gone. I wanted to asked for another change, even if its just a friendship chance. I just wanna take care of him. But i already lost him to someone else. I wanted to show him that i can be better, much better than i did during that 6 motnhs that i’ve been pushing him away. But he’s gone. I keep telling myself that he’s gone, but my heart isn’t accepting that fact. I tried so hard, I really tried. I tried to move on, but i just cant. Because i just love him so much. But i know i need to let him go. Maybe going back home is the easiest way to forget, maybe when i dont see him, or even hear bout him. maybe then i can forget him. maybe then i can move on. just from the fact that i lost him. because honestly i love him. i still do. and i just want him to be happy, and he is now. But i’m not. so i need to do this.. its the only way i can be happy. maybe. I can’t even talk to him, because he’s mad at me. can’t even hug him, can’t even say hi. and it hurt knowing that its all over. that we’re done. im so tired of explaining this to my heart. but it just doesnt understand it. somethimes i just wish i never had a heart, maybe then i wouldnt have this problem. i need a new beggining, and i know i can find it in my hometown. but for this last two weeks here in america, i can’t promise myself happiness, because i’m broken into peices, and im still am breaking from all the stuff that i see. I’m so tired. I’m tired of crying. I’m so tired. tired.

Some things i should have never kept.

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cheskaasy:

Ellie: Can I hold your hand?
Carl: No.
Ellie: But why?
Carl: Because it’ll hurt when you let go.